About a week ago, during lunch with a dear friend, we got on the topic of sabotage. No, not the early '90's smash hit by the Beastie Boys, but rather the unfortunate human condition of deliberately weakening another entity. The specific type of sabotage we were lamenting was the age old woman's woe of eating a buttery grilled panini sandwich minutes after an intense hour-long workout with an overpriced physical trainer. Why do we do it? Is it because we honestly believe we can consume more (and worse) calories after a sweat-session due to the fact/hope that our bodies will continue to burn said calories long after? Is it because we somehow, subconsciously think we - dare I say - don't deserve to enjoy the fruits of our labor? Long after our conversation transitioned and we said our goodbyes, I was still thinking of my own personal sabotage and what I might be subconsciously telling myself.
Then early this week, Brian and I had dinner with a different friend and we got to talking about... brace yourself... mediums. He confessed to not only seeking guidance from a medium, but also having some clairvoyant tendencies himself. He explained that the first step in being able to really hear your spirit guides (stay with me) is to quiet your own voices that swirl around your mind. Is it a coincidence that these two conversations happened within a week of each other during a time in my life where I spend my days trying to concoct a grand plan of what I'll be when I grow up? Those who believe in this sort of stuff would say no. So, if I were to quiet my own "voices" (a) how would I do that and (b) what would they have been saying? What might I be telling myself that I am not even aware I'm saying?! Do I subconsciously think I don't deserve success? Obviously, the conscious me thinks I deserve the world and more, but is there a voice, my voice, telling me otherwise?
Instead of trying to crack the code of what my subconscious voices are doing to my psyche behind my back, I decided on a more proactive approach. I have come up with three, short sentences that I'll repeat to myself whenever I find my mind racing. With all due respect to my conscious voice, I'll only say that my three part mantra sounds something like this: "I deserve _____, I deserve _____, and I am worthy of _____." It is my hope that in repeating my newly coined canticle, I will convince myself that I do in fact deserve and am worthy of the things I want most in life.
And while I wait for this theory to take hold, I did what any normal, well-adjusted girl would do. I hopped on yelp to find a medium in Austin! I am still awaiting a response from one intermediary so that I can schedule my first session. But for now I'll watch Eat.Pray.Love. and marvel at the timing of our Netflix hiatus ending and this movie being next on our queue.
